


did you ever hurt for me?

by orphan_account



Series: haikyu!! boy(s) x reader [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Female Reader, Heavy Angst, Reader-Insert, Toxic Relationship, Two Endings, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, cis female reader, red flags, sorry in advance, x Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26723590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It had always been a toxic relationship, red flags flying left and right. Everyone could see it. They even tried pointing it out, but as the saying goes, "when you look at someone with rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
Relationships: Shimada Makoto/Reader, Ukai Keishin/Reader
Series: haikyu!! boy(s) x reader [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944943
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> onoffonoff by keshi  
> forever by lewis capaldi  
> tired by nive  
> 2 soon by keshi  
> the cut that always bleeds by conan gray  
> xoxosos by keshi  
> always by keshi  
> less of you by keshi  
> i swear i'll never leave again by keshi  
> like i need you by keshi  
> strawberries & cigarettes by troye  
> atlas by keshi  
> did you ever hurt for me? by jess benko  
> didn't mean to hurt you by jess benko  
> all i want by olivia rodrigo
> 
> yes, keshi is a fav of mine ahaha.
> 
> ps this story will have two (possible three) different endings so yeah.
> 
> another ps, the title of the song is based off of jess benko's song 'did you ever hurt for me?'

_“There, there.” his soft fingers swept under [y/n]’s eyes in an attempt to wipe the neverending tears. Her eyes were blurry as she tried to hold her sobs in. His cloudy figure looked down at the vulnerable person with yet another stick of cigarette between his lips._

_The same lips that kiss her without hesitation, yet the same lips that let out the same hurtful words that break her heart each time. “I didn’t mean to go that far.” Ukai pulled [y/n] to a hug, wrapping his arms around her and lightly running his hand up and down the small of her back._

_[y/n]’s sobs were muffled as she buried her face deep into Ukai’s cigarette smoke tainted shirt. The bittersweet smell she had gotten addicted to. The same scent she longed for whenever Ukai would leave her for days without communication._

_She knew exactly just how bad the relationship between them are, yet she couldn’t find the courage to leave him. What exactly was it that drew her towards him? The warmth? Comfort and safety?_

_Validation?_

_Ukai placed his hand over [y/n]’s cheek, tilting her head up to get a view of what the sobbing girl looked like._

_The quiet hum of the air conditioner engulfed both of their ears. The headlights of passing vehicles peaking through the flowy curtains and ever so softly going over half of [y/n]’s face. Ukai could feel butterflies swarm inside his stomach as his eyes went over her face._

_The flushed and tear-stained cheeks, the small frown of her lips, her squinted eyes still brimming and holding her cries back. He had gone and pushed her to her limit again, he knew it was too much but he couldn’t help it. “There’s just something with this emotional face on her that makes me feel different.” he thought to himself._

_Ukai leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on [y/n]’s forehead, “You should get some rest.” he suggested before removing his arms around her._

_[y/n] was immediately surrounded by the same coldness she felt and she knew what was coming. She knew what was about to happen._

_The second she lost contact with him, her mouth let out a small whimper. Ukai heard it and he knew just what he should have done, but he didn’t and continued for the door. “I’ll call you when I can.” was the only thing he said before leaving._

_[y/n], feeling empty but unsurprised, slumped to the side of their bed and pulled her knees to her chest, attempting to keep herself warm, yet all she ever longed for was something she couldn’t have._

  
  
  
  
  


“I’d offer a piece of mind again but what’s the use when I know you’ll go running back to him again the minute he messages you?” Saeko Tanaka jokingly spoke as she swung an arm over[ y/n]’s shoulder while they walked down the streets. “Saeko…” [y/n] sighed, feeling helpless.

She clutched her phone with both her hands, unknowingly looking very desperate for any sign of communication from Ukai. She should have been used to it by now, this complicated thing between them. They have been at it for more than two years.

“How long has it been since the last whatever between you two again?” Saeko asked, glancing at her friend before turning her head back to where they were walking. An unamused expression played on her face and she didn’t bother hiding it. 

She, along with the other Karasuno graduates, were tired of her poor choices and [y/n] knew it too. 

“A-almost two weeks…” [y/n]’s voice grew smaller as it sunk to her just how long it had been. She had acknowledged how fucked up he was and how shitty their relationship was a long time ago that even she was confused as to why she kept giving Ukai more chances to screw her up even more.

“Well that’s longer than usual.” Akiteru Tsukishima had caught up with [y/n[ and Saeko, pushing the door open to let them in first. “Shut up.” [y/n] playfully punched Akiteru’s chest, a small grin growing on her lips before Saeko pushed her inside the yakitori restaurant.

[y/n] had messaged Saeko, Akiteru and Shimada to meet up the night before and like always, they agreed. 

When the three entered the building, they were immediately called by Shimada who was already sitting on one of the tables. The raven-haired male was waving his hand for them to hurry and sit, so they did. Even before [y/n] had gotten a seat next to Shimada, he had already asked her a question.

“How bad is it this time?” followed by a disapproving sigh. He pushed his glasses up and gave his attention to [y/n] while Akiteru and Saeko ordered everyone’s food.

[y/n] placed her phone on the table, screen facing down. She shrugged before leaning back on her seat. “Same as always, I guess?” she answered with an unsure tone. There was really no way to say if it was the same each time. 

Ukai, as dumb as he was, never failed to give [y/n] another reason to cry about just for his satisfaction before yet again leaving her alone and hurting. 

“Let me rephrase that; What is it this time?” Shimada asked, stressing on the ‘what’ of his question. He had been mentally taking down everytime Ukai would make her cry and what he did to do so. This happened so often that he had lost count of every single one.

It ranged from back-handed compliments directed at [y/n]’s insecurities to pointing out everything she was insecure about; Ukai plainly ignoring [y/n] to nitpicking everything she did.

Even more than all the times Ukai had done [y/n] wrong was the times [y/n] had ran to Shimada crying. There wasn’t much he could do but comfort her. [Y/n] asked him not to interfere with whatever kind of relationship she and Ukai had but Shimada was already on the edge of confronting the blonde about it.

“He said the day before that I should get ready because we were going and then he came home almost two hours late acting like we didn’t have plans and the second I asked about it he completely avoided the question and said some things about… me.” 

Shimada could hear the pain lacing [y/n]’s voice as it grew quieter with every word. The raven-haired man’s brows furrowed further. ‘Keishin’s getting worse with every opportunity he gets.’ he thought to himself.

“I still don’t see why you’re staying with him when you can get all this and be treated better.” Akiteru joked, as he pointed to himself in an attempt to lighten the mood. [y/n] gave him a small smile while Saeko bursted into laughter at how bad the joke was.

Shimada on the other hand kept a serious face on, thinking to himself. 

He’d been pretty good friends with Ukai for quite a while and only a few years with [y/n] but he couldn’t help but side with her for all the shitty things Ukai had been doing. He was well aware of why he’s doing it too, which added a small feeling of guilt on his back.

Whenever he was out with Ukai and a few others, Ukai wouldn’t hesitate to talk about it and even joke around with the information he should have been keeping between him and [y/n]. He couldn’t talk about it to Akiteru either since there’s a big chance he’d accidentally tell it to Saeko and they’d all be dead if Saeko ever found out.

“Hey,” Shimada snapped out of his deep state of thinking when [y/n] tapped him by the arm, “food’s here.” [y/n] reminded him and motioned to the table where Akiteru and Saeko were already digging in. Shimada gave her a small smile before digging in too.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention to you both when you were having a depressing talk with each other but,” Akiteru spoke with an open mouth and choked a bit as he hurriedly tried to swallow it, “Tanaka-san and I ordered alcohol.” he said after finally swallowing his food.

“Lots of it.” Saeko added with a big grin on her face while [y/n] and Shimada shared a subtle look of concern knowing that they won’t get out of the situation without having a drink.


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter two, i'm also working on a one-shot bokuaka one so yea aha ha
> 
> i also apologize if there's any grammatical errors or misspellings, i'll get to editing it soon

“Careful, where are your house keys?” with a sigh, Shimada tightened his arm around [y/n]’s waist as he guided her towards her house. It was the first time in a while that he had seen [y/n] drink a lot without being forced much.

The only response he got was a small grunt from [y/n]. With her phone in one of his hands and the other supporting her, he could barely find a way to try and fish the keys from her pockets—if it was even on her— without falling on the ground.

The sun had long set and the only light that gave the two guidance were the street lamps. Shimada would have had Saeko take [y/n] home but that would mean he was the one who would take Akiteru home and he’d pick drunk [y/n] over drunk Akiteru at any given choice.

“Damnit [y/n].” he mumbled as he tried not to look like some creep as he searched for the keys while simultaneously trying to walk. “No, actually damn Ukai. The dipshit keeps messing shit up and never bothers to fix it.” he finally managed to get them from her jean’s front pocket.

“You’re so stupid, [y/n].” he sighed for the last time before he looked up when he heard someone cough.

As Shimada stood in front of [y/n]’s door with his arm wrapped tightly around her torso, Ukai had long opened the door and was staring at the drunk girl in Shimada’s arms.

Ukai, silently standing at the doorway, didn’t move and neither did the other guy. The blonde’s eyes looked over [y/n] state while Shimada watched him and waited for him to do something. He was confused about the situation.

With a snicker, Ukai stepped out further from the house. Shimada, even though they were practically the same height, felt really small as Ukai approached them. He almost felt like he and [y/n] were both in danger. Ukai was always someone who was chill but whenever he was serious, he could be very intimidating. 

“For someone who never joined our conversations,” Ukai started, pertaining to his “methods” of making [y/n] cry that he so openly brags about to the other karasuno graduates, “I didn’t think you’d be one to join in.” 

_ ‘I knew he’d say that.’ _ Shimada thought to himself. He closed his eyes before he responded to the man in front of him. “We didn’t do anything.” Shimada said as he took [y/n]’s arm from around his neck and loosened his grip around her.

[y/n], barely able to stay awake, was oblivious to the conversation the two men were having. Her mind was hazy and everything around her was muffled. 

Carefully, Shimada handed her over to Ukai even though he knew just how unsafe it probably was considering the look of the situation. Ukai took a hold of the wasted girl with much less care. The blonde pulled his girlfriend closer to him and wrapped his arm around her to keep her from falling over.

“Oh don’t deny it Makoto. I understand, she is the type to do shit like this after all.” Ukai pushed the issue with an unbothered grin playing on his lips. 

[y/n] instinctively buried her face on Ukai’s chest upon the scent of the man who she’s so helplessly in love with reached her nose. The same cigarette smoke-laced cologne that’s killing her ever so softly was something she just couldn’t let go.

“I’m not denying anything, Keishin.” Shimada pinched the bridge of his nose, his frustration gradually growing. “Saeko just asked me to take her home since she had to take Akiteru to his house. I didn’t even know you were here.” he reasoned truthfully.

“Why’d you have to know if I was here or not?” Ukai asked, making it seem like Shimada would have actually done something to [y/n] if he wasn’t there, which was the farthest from the truth. 

Shimada, knowing just what kind of gaslighting Ukai was capable of, knew he had to stop the conversation before it gets more heated. He had to get home soon even though he didn’t want to leave [y/n] alone with Ukai for her safety. 

“I should get home.” The man with glasses avoided the question and turned around, walking back to where he was from. Getting away from Ukai was the only thing he could do to not cause any ruckus.

Ukai watched as he walked away before looking back down at the woman clinging onto him. Staring over her flushed face, all he could see was a view of her tear-stained cheeks and it was the only thing he wanted to see.

Or so he thought.


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had always been a toxic relationship, red flags flying left and right. Everyone could see it. They even tried pointing it out, but as the saying goes, "when you look at someone with rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school has me swamped so i haven't had proper time to update this so here's an unedited chapter,, hope that's alright ^^
> 
> also while we're here, i have a mcyt fanart twitter account if yall wanna follow @axisneedshelp !!

“I knew that kind of personality was inside you but I didn’t think you’d go for someone so close to me.” Ukai acted hurt as he brought [y/n] inside the house and let her sit on the couch. Another incoherent noise came from [y/n] as she laid in an uncomfortable position.

By then, she was beginning to sober up gradually but it also meant that a headache was also slowly beginning to grow and it was making her head throb.

Ukai, having only one intention to get that night, squatted in front of his girlfriend. Using his hand, he removed the fallen hair from covering [y/n]’s face. His eyes went over her facial expression once again. His eyes that were searching for any kind of reaction met with her barely open ones.

[y/n] felt her hand lift and place itself on Ukai’s shoulder while a drunken grin played on her lips. “When’d you get here?” she giggled as she slurred the words out of her mouth.

Ukai was obviously confused. It wasn’t the first time he was seeing her drunk but it was definitely the first time he had witnessed her as a giggly drunk. If memory serves him right, whenever he was around and [y/n] was drunk, she was either emotional or just quiet. 

“Can you understand what I’m saying?” Ukai asked back instead of answering her question. 

[y/n] retracted her hand from his shoulder and instead used it as a makeshift pillow as she got more comfortable on the couch. “I think so.” [y/n] giggled again before attempting to open her eyes.

All she really saw was a swirling, distorted, and blurry view of who she assumed was her boyfriend. The view only made her head hurt more so she went back to keeping her eyes closed; that didn’t stop her from feeling his eyes on her.

“You’re so pathetic, [y/n].” Ukai spoke, trying to see how she’d react. He’d told her the same thing almost every time he was there to see her drunk and so far he had always made her cry with just that phrase so he was confident that he was going to make her cry again this time.

Much to his surprise, [y/n] let out another small laugh. “I know. You always remind me, I didn’t forget.” she said before burying her face into her arms, completely laying on her stomach. 

She was definitely drunk but in her head, she could hear herself and was practically screaming to death. She knew what she was saying but she couldn’t refrain from doing so. She had no control over her body. 

Ukai’s eyebrows furrowed. She was definitely different that night. “Good.” was the only thing that left his mouth as he couldn’t find any other words to say. His eyes stayed on her.

_ “I also remember that I’m not really that important to you. I understand that you’re not here for my lows, you’re not really here for the long run. I remember. I won’t forget, don’t worry.”  _ [y/n] said with the same slurry accent lacing her every word.

Every word that slipped from [y/n]’s mouth pierced through Ukai’s head sharply and a foreign twisting in his chest erupted but the feeling was gone as fast as it came. 

“Just like always, I know that you’ll say that I’m too much of a hassle and you really don’t want to take care of me,” she rolled over and layed on her stomach, her eyes opening but obviously not able to focus on anything, “so you can go, I don’t mind.” she waved her hand to where she assumed Ukai was.

“I wish you a safe trip to…” she paused as she thought of what words to say next, “wherever else you live because this is just  _ my  _ apartment apparently.” she let out a laugh before placing her arms over her stomach, an arm over the other.

Ukai didn’t say anything and only watched [y/n] and her foreign behavior.

“You know, we’ve been together for years,” [y/n] turned her face to her side where she could see the blurred silhouette of Ukai, “but it never felt like that at all.” she pointed out before turning her head back to the ceiling again.

“I mean, not that you think we’re dating anyways.” she mumbled to herself before closing her eyes again and taking a deep breath. “Imagine that Keishin...” a bitter laugh exited her mouth, “You asked me out years ago but thinking back at the things we do, the only thing that comes to mind when I have to describe what it is between us in one word,” [y/n] turned to her side to face Ukai.

Her face only a couple of inches away from Ukai but neither of them backed away. [y/n] held a mixed look of confusion and amusement while Ukai barely showed any other reaction other than bewilderment. 

“ **Fucking around and never apologising for the shit we do to each other** .” she whispered.

The atmosphere within the living room shifted as silence fell. Neither of them moved a muscle for seconds on end, but of course [y/n] was first to break that. She let out a laugh as she realised what she said. “I know that wasn’t one word but you get what I mean.”

Ukai backed up from where he was when [y/n] pushed herself up from where she laid and sat upright. It was obvious that she was still heavily intoxicated and mostly not able to walk by herself but Ukai really didn’t know what he should do so all he did was stand there.

“Now I’d like to get some rest so if you have to leave—which i’m sure you will,” she stood up from the couch and wobbled but managed to balance herself again, “please do.” and she didn’t wait for any response before heading to their bedroom.

As [y/n] closed the door, Ukai stood in the middle of the living room dumb-founded. 

Seeing as he had nothing else he could do, he grabbed his jacket from the coffee table and headed out soon after.

Even with the night sinking deeper and the moon rising higher in the sky, Ukai didn’t hesitate on walking the dark streets alone. He knew where he was going, taking the same route he always did. He slipped his jacket back on and buried his hand deep in his pockets. That night was exceptionally chilly.

The distant street lamps barely gave any guidance to the man as he walked, his mind deep in thought. The more he walked, the angrier he got. He wasn’t sure why since he knew that everything [y/n] told him was true.

Was it because he didn’t get to see what he came for? Or was it [y/n] pointing out just how toxic he was for her?

Whatever it was, it surely bugged him a ton.

Kicking the small pebbles he came across, he headed to Takinoue’s place to crash for the millionth time.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! so at first i planned on publishing it as a one-shot but i figured making it have multiple chapters was more fun. this might probably be a slow build type thing and the actual angst won't come 'til the second or third chapter so yeah. i'll put a bunch of trigger warnings (that i know but please comment if i need to add more) right before every chapter. also, the playlist i added at the beginning notes are some songs that fit the story entirely so if you want some "angsty" tunes while reading, those are some suggestions. 
> 
> yeah, so i'll post the next chapter as soon as i can, thank you so much for reading!! <3


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